Deserving of good things
The death and grief from losing my late husband, Zach, will live within me for a lifetime. My heart changed, my perspectives changed, and I worked immensely hard to learn to accept the hardship I went through. Sometimes acceptance is about accepting the bad things, and other times it is about allowing ourselves to be happy with the good things that come.
Sometimes it's about our allowing ourselves to accept that we are deserving of good things.
Sometimes it's about trusting that you know what is best for you and for your child/children.
Sometimes it's about accepting that there will be times of sadness among the joyful times.
Navigating a solo mom life was never something I thought would be my reality 3 years ago. Now we are coming up on his 3-year cancer diagnosis, and he has been in Heaven for almost a year.
The Bible talks about the good things God has in store for us, and honestly, I felt like God stole those good things from my life. Silas lost his dad, and I lost my husband. What good could come from that pain? I have made it my mission to turn my pain into purpose, and I do so through writing on this blog and as a Fight CRC Ambassador.
Silas and I have had many conversations about what the future looks like and what we want from it. We have prayed that God would open our hearts to new friends, love, and peace, and he has indeed blessed us with those things.
A few months before Zach died, we talked in depth about what life might look like without him. He told me he didn't want me to be alone; he didn't want me to raise Silas on my own, and he wanted Silas to have a man he could look up to. He said, Amber, "When I get to Heaven, I will find a man for you. A man who will love you the way you have loved me." That conversation broke my heart and also healed me in ways. He blessed me by sharing his heart with me and knowing what he wanted for me. We tried so hard not to let anything go unsaid, and Zach's honesty was healing for my soul.
I have started dating, and I have met a man who is incredibly generous of spirit, with a fantastic sense of humor and a heart and soul that loves deeply. Life is unpredictable and so incredibly short, and even though there are still times I am sad, joy and peace are the predominant feelings now. I know I am deserving of new love, joy, happiness, and peace, and I am so grateful for the love Zach and I shared and how it has shaped who I am now.
Until next time - Amber
P.S. For those wondering if Silas is on board with me dating, he is. More on this topic another time.